Backwards Jumping Jacks
(and Why There's a Bruise on the Back of My Leg)

10 August

Maybe you're one of those perfect people that pay for a gym membership and then always, always go. Every morning you bounce off with your perfect ponytail and your teeth gleam as your perfect little mousy voice goes "I'm off to the gym!"

First of all, if that's you? Be thankful that nobody has stabbed you in the eye. Yet.

I'm not one of those people. I'm not even close. I forget to exercise until someone reminds me. I don't like to run unless my life is being threatened. I certainly only try to break a sweat during sex.

Also, it's hot in Texas. It's particularly hot here in Austin this time of year, and it gets so hot that it's physically impossible to move more than a few inches at a time. You have to remain as still as possible, only shifting to lower the air conditioner. It's the only reason I'm still coming to work, since I don't have A/C in my apartment. It's so ridiculously hot that we air condition outside this time of year. Amusement parks like Six Flags don't want a thousand people dropping from heat stroke while waiting in line for the Log Flume, so the outdoor areas have overhead cooling units. Mmm, Lovely Overhead Cooling Unit. Why won't you move into my apartment building?

Still can't understand what kind of hot I'm talking about? You try it. Lock yourself in your bathroom, turn on the shower at its hottest setting and put on a few sweaters. That's what it feels like to walk outside these days. Go sprint in that, bitch.

There's this wedding coming up that I mentioned before, and I'm pretty sure that as my friend was measuring my hips she was shaking her head and sucking her teeth. I could be horrible here and mention that as she was measuring my hip to foot distance I noticed that the hair on the top of her head was thinning and I could see her scalp. But that would be mean and I'm not a mean person so I didn't say that. I don't know where you heard that.

Since I just about broke down after seeing my measurements on paper yesterday, I decided to grab an old Tae Bo tape and work out. You remember Tae Bo, don't you? With everyone's favorite scary, sweaty black man, Billy Blanks? His name's a registered trademark, don't you know.

Ya'll, I got schooled by the world-famous Billy Blanks World Training Center.

I had to do these crazy hop things and then punch and run backwards, like I'm a member of the Dallas Cowboys. I'm pretty sure I saw my downstairs neighbor moving out of the house while I was working out. I guess he was just sitting around until he heard me jumping up here for the umpteenth time and said, "Well, that's it. The crazy bitch has broken me." And then he started loading all of his things in his truck and moved to Montana.

In one particularly aerobic set of moves you lift one knee, lift the other, kick, kick, and then do four jumping jacks while moving back into your starting position. So I'm doing the knee, knee, kick, kick, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack and I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.

So, I'm sitting very quietly at my desk today, as my butt is throbbing beneath me. I learned my lesson. I can't just become an athletic person in one day. It's not like I stored up all my past workouts until I decided to take my ass off the pause button. And most importantly, I probably shouldn't do peyote right before I work out.

Love until later,

Anna K